He was livid. His eyes burned sharp and cold. He sat up as straight as he could for having sat in a wheel chair for four hours. He swore. He had been on the phone, but when he heard that he wouldn't be discharged that day, he threw it across the bed, exclaiming, "God damn it!"
My father has been known to lose his temper. However, he usually is able to keep from swearing. He has been a good church goer and leader all his life. But he was angry. He didn't know why he had to stay after the doctor told him he was going to be transferred to a nursing home. He didn't want to go there either. But he definitely didn't want to stay at the hospital.
Such scenes are so difficult. It's never easy, for me at least, to deal very comfortably with that kind of anger (especially from my Dad). But, I also knew that it wasn't about whether he stayed in the hospital or went to the nursing home (that he really didn't want to go to either). He wanted to go back to his apartment. He wanted to sit in his own recliner, watch Fox News on his own TV, and live life on his own. What he really wanted was for my Mom to be alive and healthy again. He wanted to be able to be active again. He wanted all of these things, but he couldn't have them. And, he was angry!
When he calmed down a bit, we had a discussion about this. He was a man in positions of authority for most of his life. He usually has had his own way. And, now he doesn't. Whether or not this was good, it was reality. He seemed to understand this (as unhelpful as I think I might have found this observation to be, if I were in his situation). Later, he independantly mention much the same thing to my sister.
I have always found it a great honor and as well as instructive to be a pastor -- to become a part of so many lives, in so many different life situations. Over the years I've tried to pay attention to the ways in which different people have faced things.
As far as aging goes, my hero is Fred Biltz. He was a member of the congregation in my second pastorate. He enjoyed his apartment at the life-care facility where he lived. He used to enjoy hosting cocktail parties and would play college fraternity style pranks on his buddies. At 86 he was a member of a tour I led of the Holy Land. He was great, and I want to be just like him if I get to be 86.
I've always wished I could be as good a son as my friend Jim, who took care of his mother so well over the last years of her life. I take heart in the dignity of Martha Gray who freely decided to go into a nursing home after a debilitating surgery, even though her family was all around. She lived there for her last three or four years, greeting visitors with bright eyes and a demure smile, and offering her attention and interest and prayers. And, my Dad certainly had his finest hour in taking care of my Mom over the last years of her life suffering from Alzheimer's. I hope to learn from and be strengthened by their example.
My Dad made it to the nursing home yesterday. When I spoke with him tonight, he sounded perky...talkative...happy. He was the same when my sister visited him. We're happy about this (and not a little surprised).
One of my questions in listening to, observing and learning from former parishioners over the years is how would I deal with my parents as they face decisions regarding health and nursing care. Throughout these last days I kept thinking of Jesus' prophecy about Peter's future. He said, "
When you were young you did as you pleased. But when you are old people will come and take you where you do not wish to go." I couldn't quote that prophecy to my Dad. It's not for him any way. I need to learn how to give myself over to the "way things are." I also kept thinking of Jesus' final promise, "I am with you always to the close of the age." Praise God.
Blessings,
Rick Cowles
The New York Conference UCC
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Getting Our Way
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4 comments:
Hi Rick-
Since my parents passed so young (gulp, I'm creeeping up there now myself) I have never had to worry about how I might handle getting them into a home.
Having been a Nursing Home Administrator I have seen that many people are so frightened of them that they are so much older(frail elderly the business calls it- past 80) that there simply is no more quality of life as they are more often than not confined to bed.
When a 102 year old woman looked at me at Wyncote and asked me why she was still on earth, I told her "because you needed to meet me" ;). She taught me so much about living life fully.
And after working in a Home, I'd rather be there where care is there than be a burden on my family and friends.
However, that doesn't stop you from mourning the loss of an active, physically able man who just wants it to be "the old days".
Please let us know if we can be of support
Excellent, and well done piece, Rick!
Fortunately neither of my parents had to fact the choice and/or reality of a nursing home or assistive care facility.
Being a "senior citizen" my self, living alone with cerebral palsy, such (Sutch) choices are among those I know will come my way.
Thanks for this story of your dad and you.
Grieving happens at so many different levels. Your father grieves his lost abilities, you grieve those, too. You both grieve for the lost joy of being able to do things - he, directly, you, in sympathy for your dad. I learned through loss that it's how we handle it that counts, because there is always an option - we can live sadly because of our loss or we can reach through sadness for the joy of life lived in a different way. I pray that both you and your father make this transition in grace.
Becky W.
Rick:
My parents are both realtively healthy and living on their own in an apartment at ages 81 and 84. However, I always have it in the back of my mind that at some point one or both of them will require care. I haven't gotten to the stage your family is in, but I know we'll get there eventually. My prayers are with you and your family.
Rev. Craig Cowing
Blooming Grove UCC
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